The Truth About Me

I was listening to a podcast this morning while I was doing some housework, and couldn't shake some of the things I heard and learned. Afterwards, I simply felt the nudge to sit down and write before I overthought it and lost my nerve to be vulnerable and honest.

Last September I was sitting on my dear friends couch where I started bearing my soul to her about my addiction to Instagram and how it was revealing some not so pretty parts of my heart in more ways than one. I shared how not only was it a ridiculous time hog, but was also slowing claiming my identity and making me discontent, dishonest, and just wasn't a healthy outlet anymore.
For some personalities out there reading this, you might not relate at all, and leave thinking, "wow, she really is selfish"...while others of you will be nodding your head and completely understanding the struggle.

Instagram, and social media in general, although a wonderful outlet for creativity, business, connection and inspiration, can also be a death trap for those of us who want validation - want to be liked - and in a twisted way, want people to think we have it all together. I never got a Facebook or Instagram with the intention of flashing my life to everyone, but really, that's what ended up happening. Instagram in particular can tend to just become a highlight real, mostly people showing their good sides, while some share the truest sides, but you still feel the sense that they are just being honest to be more liked and gain more followers....twisted thinking, I know, but it happens.
*This is not at all to say everyone has these intentions. This has just been my experience and the experience of some others I know.

I don't have a ton of followers, in fact, I have very little, but really, it just wasn't meshing well with my personality and my weaknesses. Needless to say, by the end of the conversation with my friend, we both ended up permanently deleting our Instagram accounts and it felt SO FREEING.

Now, again, even if you're not a personality that particularly struggles with social media, stick with me, you might relate to this next part! ....

Truth is, I'm not a good person.

Like really, the deepest parts of me are such a work in progress.

For those of you who are Christians and know the truths in Scripture, you understand that God tells us that "The heart is deceitful above all else, and exceedingly wicked."

Which basically means, every day, I fight my self will, my selfishness, my wickedness.
For some of us, this is more profound and more of a challenge.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who wakes up with great desire and intentions to be a good person???

I want to be nice to my husband, I want to be patient with my kids, I want to be a selfless friend, sister, daughter, etc, but you know what else my heart wants?

To be exceeding evil.

To have an attitude with my husband because I'm exhausted, toddlers take every ounce of patience left in me, and therefore, sorry Tim, you get the brunt of whats left of me at the end of the day.

I want to seek my hearts desire and the things I love, because isn't it fair that I want to be happy?

I want peoples validation and approval, even if it means I'm not being 100% honest about my life all the time.
The list could go on and on..

Something that was said (among many) on the podcast that challenged me today, was..." If you have a blog or you are on social media and it is your creative outlet, be sure that you are being honest. Not the hippy dippy, "be true to yourself" that we hear from the world all day long.
But be real. Be genuine, be honest so that God can use you to glorify Him from your platform.
Otherwise, don't be here."

This spoke mountains to me because of my past experience with Instagram and blogging.

After almost a year off Instagram and blogging, I am back and although I am occasionally hesitant if I made the right choice, I have found that I truly love telling stories, I love the one hour I get during naps to sit down with my cup of coffee and share snippets of my life with the handful of people who visit my blog.
It really has been a great outlet for me, so I hope to do it honestly and Spirit led, otherwise I won't continue.

So with that said, my ugly heart, that is, by the minute, desperately needing transformed by God's grace, is going to keep writing stories (if there's enough hours in the day) And, I really hope that God will use my failures and growth to challenge or uplift someone else.

And, if I disappear out of nowhere again, it's because I wasn't self-controlled enough to use this platform in an honest way, and you can find me confessing to my closest friends and accountability partners all over again!

I do not want to stay as I am.
I do not want to follow my heart, because my heart is exceedingly evil, and only wants what is best for me.
I want the character of Jesus.
The patience of Jesus.
The attitude of Jesus.

Most parts of those statements are honestly still terrifying to me because I know there will be parts of the transformation that are hard and uncomfortable...even telling the 1,000 readers I have on my blog today that I'm so truly not a good person, wasn't my idea of "comfortable"...but its a doorway to a new approach.

If you stuck around this long, thank you.
I have no idea what I'm doing, but it felt good to be honest.

I think my next post will be a sharing of one my favorite recipes, we could all use a little more lighthearted post after that one!

-Jessica